Sister – Mary Swishmuch – Abbess & Mistress of the Quill

Sister Mary Swishmutch’s story begins December 24, 19…NO, at a small convent in Mexico City.

The sisters were drawn from their Christmas Eve prayers by frightful cries at their front door. Though many sisters of the order swore it to be demons, the brave mother superior opened the door to find a woman, in the family way, squatting over a humble vegetable crate on the steps of the convent. Apparently, she had been hoping to quickly birth the child into the crate and leave it for the sisters to find. The sisters tried to gain the mother’s information, but with her full of the “fruits of the spirit,” only speaking English, and in the throws of labor pains little could be learned. Shortly after midnight, a baby girl was born. Before she could be properly cleaned, the mother was out the door. The nuns called to the mother trying to get her back to care for the child, saying she hadn’t even named her daughter. The staggering mother’s only response was what sounded like Mary Swishmutch, which the Spanish speaking sisters took to be the name of the child.

The sisters then raised Mary in their convent and helped her as much as they could to piece together the story of her family. Her mother, a virgin chanteuse (no wedding band, and why else would one need crotchless panties except for quick potty breaks between sets?) gave birth to the fourth member of the Holy quartet (God the father-son-drag daughter-and Holy Spirit), drawn from Jesus being given as the father’s name).